The Lair of the Future: 2070

Guest Lair Post by Dang You to Heck!

Craig did a little blog post on Johnny Gomes and this magic aura that he seems to have that inspires the media to write stories of his Leadership. Just as Craig offered us a peek into the future of the Kansas City royals of 2070, our good friend DangYouToHeck, regular HBT reader and knowledgeable in all things Canadian (Especially Seal Blubber) offered us a glimpse of the Lair in the year 2070…

The Lair, 2070

Craig creaked slowly into the den. He listened to the crack and pop of his knees as he eased himself into his chair. King George XXIV leapt into his lap, looking for affection: arthritic, gnarled fingers from decades of typing gave the best ear scratches. Cats know these things.

Opening his Editor’s Account on The Unwritten Rules (the 15th iteration of Circling the Bases), Craig checked to see how many of his regulars still had multiple accounts with which they used to alternately praise and condemn him. All of them had those, it seemed. Oh well.

At least there hadn’t been another site re-design over night. He hated those. The last one left him with an orange screen, green, 18 point, Olde English Font, and porn-date adds all over the place. Ever the company man, Craig had done his best to ignore the beckonings of the now legal sheep/horse/cyborg prostitute hybrids that made their daily pitches for his immortal soul, and get on with things. Of course his regulars hadn’t been particularly helpful what with their ranting about the changes. After all the changes over the years, you’d think they’d be used to this stuff. But no. Oh well. Same old, same old.

He checked the scores from the night before. As usual, The Mike Napoli managed Rangers had triumphed vs The Scioscia GM’d Angels, pretty much the only team they beat consistently, it seemed. The five Canadian teams had all won, but only because they had left the domes open to the snow and they were the only teams capable of playing in that kind of weather. Ever since Commissioner Bautista had come to power this disturbing trend of Canadian victories had gathered steam. It’s not like The Commish had all bad ideas, though. His institution of Bat Flip Sunday Baseball had attracted a lot of international fans. True, it had caused the barely animate corpse that was all that remained of C. J. Nitkowski to attempt the first ever assassination of a sitting baseball commissioner, but sometimes these things happen.

He checked on the doings of Jonny Gomes. Always worth a laugh. Yep. Jonny had tattooed Mike Napoli’s face to his butt cheek and posted it on twitter. Thank you Jonny. Always good for a laugh. As he set up his dictation for today’s Anti-Gomes’ Butt screed, he noticed that his monitor had frozen again. Angrily he poked keys, attempting to right it. Nothing.
Just then, he heard the chime indicating someone on the basement stairs and glanced around as the Lair’s door swooshed open and his grandson, Mookie II, sauntered in, prepared to ghost write todays instalments.

“Hey, pops,” M2 said, fluffing what remained of Craig’s hair into a crazy man fringe. “I think it’s time to wash that bathrobe. You got mustard all over it from having to eat your hat again.”

“Quiet, boy!” Craig grumbled, smoothing the remains of his hair down. “Do something about this, will you,” he said querulously, pointing at his screen. “It’s all froze up again.” He turned to glare at his monitor for a moment, then thumped a bony fist onto his desk. “Dang Canadians! Always freezing things!”

M2 looked the situation over, force quit the program, restarted and checked the history.

“Hmmm…well, pops, I see the problem. Y’all gotta stop clicking them sheep/cyborg adds.”

“What!” Craig yelped indignantly. “I never did! I don’t click those things!”

M2, patted his gramps on his bony shoulder, “It’s ok, pops. I won’t tell anyone. We doing a bit on Jonny Gomes again, are we?”

As Craig and his grandson bickered about who did what in their spare time, King George XXIV snuck a paw onto the keyboard, eyes fixed on a particularly beguiling palomino/meatmaster Cyberdyne model he’d had his eye on for some time…

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