Tagged: selig

The Lair uncovers the (Bio)genesis Project

It seems to me that MLB is trying to build a tough on drugs reputation after being silly sallies for most of the 90’s.

Craig had everyone in the conference room. They all sat in front of the viewscreen waiting for the video.

“Craig you said this a serious matter?” said Bill, a recent HBT addition.

Craig was at the screen working his remote and turned briefly to answer. “Many bothans died to bring us this information.”

Kay Adams raised her hand while trying to ask what were bothans but Gleeman intercepted her hand, lowering it and shaking his head at her. Don’t bother, was the look Aaron communicated to a sheepish Kay.

The viewscreen activated with Craig giving a triumphant “Aha! Here we go.”

Bud Selig appeared on the screen.

“Project Biogenesis. A proposal by Major League Baseball

What exactly is Biogenesis? Well, put simply, Biogenesis is clean wholesome baseball from a cheating and PED infested one. It is a process whereby molecular structure is reorganised at the subatomic level into baseball-generating matter of equal mass. Stage One of our experiments was conducted in the laboratory (leading to the familiar 50, 100 game and lifetime suspensions). Stage Two of the series will be attempted outside regular testing (leading to our current suspensions based on investigation, documentation and evidence). Stage Three will involve the process on planetary scale. It is our intention to introduce the Biogenesis device into the pre-selected area of lifeless baseball, such as the Mexican summer league or other dead form.”

The screen had switched to a simulation of the globe with clearly marked locations for baseball activity with shades of color marking suspected PED use.

“The device is delivered, instantaneously causing what we call the Biogenesis Effect. Matter is reorganised with baseball-generating results. …Instead of a tainted league we now have a living, breathing PED-less baseball operation, capable of sustaining whatever revenue streams we see fit to profit from.”

A shot like a cannon ball struck the globe while Selig narrated causing a spreading wave to wipe out the earlier blots of color.The camera zoomed in until the outlines of individual players were visible, the small stains of PEDs inside fading to nothing. Selig continued.

“The reformed baseball player simulated here represents the merest fraction of the Biogenesis potential, should MLB wish to fund these experiments to their logical conclusion. When we consider the cosmic problems of testing and drug supply, the usefulness of this process becomes clear. This concludes our proposal. Thank you for your attention.”

The Lair asks a relevant Question

So how long has it been already since the Athletics petitioned to relocate? four years?


Craig sat, laid back on his high chair in the Lair. Braves bathrobe wound tightly, bubble pipe in hand as he puffed absentmindely. He rubbed his feet impatiently on his Phanatic rug. His large 71″ LED screen was divided into 16 slices shwoing feeds from different kinds of news outlets with all sorts of baseball tidbits. That was all interrumpted as the screen went dark and reset with just one image. Kay Adams looked a little harried doing the latest bidding for Craig.

“Finally!”, he exclaimed.

“Craig, I finally got Selig on the secure channel, was this really necessary?”.

Craig missed Tiffany sometimes, she just did everything he asked with little comment or complain. Kay seemed to question every other thing he requested. He really needed to break in his henchwoman.

“I have to get the news from the horse’s mouth so to speak. Want it to be ready for HBT Daily. Now patch me through!”

The screen switched to a visual of Bud Selig in his office. It was close up so he didn’t see much.

“Craig,” he said with an insincere smile. “I take it you’ve been asking about MLB’s official position on the Oakland Colisseum situation? It’s regrettable but we can’t do much about it. I’m a busy man so I can’t spare you much time”.

“Hold on Comissioner! MLB could do something and that’s resolved the pettition by the Athletics to move to San Jose. It’s been a while now and your committee hasn’t given any recomendations! In fact word is different people are looking at it now and I can’t even find out their names.”

“It’s a complicated situation Craig. Such moves must be handled delicately. But rest assured, it’s being handled by top men.”

“Who?”, Craig asked pointedly as he leaned forward toward his display.

Selig’s expression became stern as he repeated: “Top. Men”. Then he cut off the transmission.

Meanwhile in a non-descript storage facility elsewhere: Hands worked quickly as a wood storage box was filled with bubble-wrap and packing peanuts. A gloved hand dropped a stack of papers inside. The cover page read: “Atheletics Pettition for San Jose Relocation”. The lid was closed and nailed shut. A tarp was laid on the box as a man pushed a cart through the facility. He passed by another box labeled: “Roberto Clemente’s 3000 hit baseball bat”. But it was one of the few labeled boxes. The man kept pushing the cart to the box’s final resting place somewhere deep in the storage facility as he passed by hundreds of other boxes with equally mysterious contents…